Arhaan shouldnt become that parrot, there should be more to him than being the only reason for my happiness. Too big a load for too tiny a shoulder, no?
Confession time. There are days when you might resent your life with kid. Yes Im taking the R word. I have had such days. I have also been confronted with Emote Icon Envy. And that is saying a lot as Im from the School of ' Nazar Na Lagey'. People from my part of the world are just one step away from unhappiness, living a life of 'proximity politics' and what not. Life is Snake and Ladders. So you hold on to what you have, for fear of attracting the evil eye. You are grateful every living moment for small mercies and smaller misfortunes. But there was an afternoon in Brisbane not so long ago when I was hit with a double whammy of resentment and envy. For quite some time I have been the "golden girl with golden halo" and I was not one to share that platform. For the first time in my life the focus shifted from me. There was someone at the conference who was brighter than me. She was more articulate, more together and she was not worrying like me what the baba and bub would be up to. For a good part of the day I wish I had come to the conference on my own, that I could give undivided attention to what was happening around me and not be preoccupied with Gman and Arhaan. The other woman who was way way smarter than me had left her kid behind and well frankly she was more 'together' in other ways as well and she was a lawyer, something which I always thought I WOULD BE (this was right after I finished my Phd. Wasnt I was supposed to be studying law..my husband thinks its a ruse to be a professional student). Anyways after the workshop was over Gman and me discovered that we had a whole day to kill before we took the flight to Singapore ..so we decided to walk around the city and introduce Arhaan to the 'fake beach' at South Bank. arhaan had been too young to enjoy it when we had come down in July, and it had been too cold . Plus, I always thought it was kind of ridiculous to have a fake beach what with there being a fairly decent coast half an hour away. Bringing Arhaan to Brisbane this time. Best decision ever. And going to South Bank. It was a hoot to see Arhaan enjoy the water, and play in the sand. I know this reads like an episode of a sitcom. Conflict, envy, rhona dhona followed by Resoultion. But it was a bit like that. And I realised that I do like travelling with baby. And we have nice photographs as well. Which I will show him on a number of occasions in the future. And remind him how over and over again how cool a mom I was taking him every where as a kid.
But flash bulb moment aside, one still has evenings where you question the roads you took, the opportunities you decided to forgo. And then you turn towards your partner in crime and grill him. Sadly, Gman is pretty pragmatic and reminds me the reason Im so lonely is that " tumharey standards kafee high hain". Which I think sounds very mean when I write it but it was very funny when he said it. Something about having a merit list when it comes to befriending people. And re: my money woes that it is a bit unrealistic to have very expensive tastes and not liking the idea of going to work at the same time. I asked him where I went wrong, considering we both have similar educational backgrounds and well he has money and emmm I dont. He thinks I have always worked where the heart is (and ahem not where the green is). And well he said the money is in the private sector not the academia. And reminded me again that I didnt like corporate life did I? Sad sad situation. Which brings me to Private Fantasy Numero 1. Oh to be back in the times of the monarchy, rajas maharajas you know. When one was paid to think. I am pretty sure Akbar didnt tell Abul Fazal or Raja Toda Mal " Sorry because of the recession we cant fund your discipline any more" Or Vikramaditya ask of Kalidas " Hmm proposal looks great but ethics clearance seems iffy". Or was Raja Man Singh ever told " Sorry yeh tau is on our list of proscribed organizations". Sighhhhh. But then there were drawbacks to this as well I guess. Today they may just turn down your proposal, in times of yore if they didnt like what you suggested they might throw you in the dungeons, off with your head. " Na Maqool Galileo, the Earth DOES NOT move get it". So quite a fun fun evening it turned out yesterday, with all the home truths. Out of the mouth of the Baba (and the babe).
And it goes without saying that having Arhaan around has made 2009 bearable. I shudder to imagine how I would have gone through the year without him. Last year when I closed the door to 2008 it was with the hope that I will open it to only let in the good. Sadly like the flies your mother warns you about when you open that door its just not the good, but the bad and the ugly flying in as well. Otherwise Clint Eastwood film kaisey banata?
If it was not for Arhaan I would have ended this post by posting a link to:
And we would all remember the time we sat in front of the mirror and tried to think of something sad sa when we were 12 and crunch up our face and cry and comb our hair and think dukhi dukhi thoughts and find meanings in the lyrics. Today, we listen to Khwaab and think of times gone by, people not around. I was thinking about this song on December 27th. Damn Geo for playing videos of Benazir with Bilawal and playing the Maa song from Tare Zameen Par in the background. I surprised myself by crying for her as never before. Geo kindly cut to Zardari and his coterie at her death anniversary ceremony and the merry widower was grinning quite maniacally even for him. And it was a major Beygani Ki Shaadi Par Abdullah Deewana moment for me.
And I remembered that while we were crying listening to Khwaab, we were also grooving to this song at our first proper birthday parties. So Arhaan, please listen to it every time you think your mother is too serious for her own good.
Long live Mithunda.
Happy New Year all of you and please pray for me and mine when you raise that glass.